A Large Dose of My Reality

Disclaimer: What you are about to read could very well be the most boring, dullest piece of literature ever written in the history of mankind. And to make it worse, I lived it, every minute of it.This, my friends, is a highlight, or lowlight rather, of my Saturday.

I won't blame you if you fall asleep. I won't even blame you if you choose to fold laundry or re-caulk your shower. The only encouragement I can give you is that you will probably feel better about yourself and your life after you read this.

So, let's begin.

I woke up on Saturday morning after sleeping at least 14 hours. It was glorious and my bed was the most comfortable it had ever been, EVER. I eventually stumbled out of bed in search of coffee or other life forms but realized it was just too much all at once, so I went back to bed and fell back asleep. When I woke up for the second time that morning, I realized I had approximately 20 minutes to get ready and meet my BFF and her hubby for brunch.

Thankfully, man invented hats for this very reason and I arrived at breakfast with seconds to spare.

Now, the next hour and a half were a true highlight, the first of two for the day. We talked about babies, boys, marriage, plants, Bible study, onesies, family, pancakes and working out. It was a perfect way to ease into the morning, err, afternoon. I love long breakfasts and I especially love it with these two.

But from there, it looked like my morning/afternoon had peaked. I left and took an hour-long stroll through TJMaxx, looking for all the things I never knew I needed but had no idea how I had ever lived without. I tried on seven shirts, none of them fit quite right and one practically needed the Jaws of Life to remove. By the way, do you ever have those terrifying moments of being stuck in some article of clothing and having no idea how you will ever get out of it? All you can think of is having a strange woman cut you out of it, apologizing profusely and ending up paying for it because it was your fault that you don't know how to dress yourself in the first place. Thankfully I was one zipper away from that happening.

Anyway, after that, I ran back out to my car in the rain. On the drive back home, I decided that I could probably use some yogurt and toothpaste.  I mean, who doesn't, right? So I pulled into the ghetto King Soopers by my house and ended up sitting in the parking lot for seven minutes, weighing the pros and cons of buying groceries at this precise moment or going home to go back to bed. In the end, my bed sounded better than the creepy guy who bags the groceries, so I went home yogurt and toothpaste-less. Apparently calcium and personal hygiene are highly overrated.

At home, I immediately laid down on the couch and checked Facebook, confirming my hunch that everyone else in the world was out doing something fun and were, in fact, NOT on Facebook. Somehow I rallied and got on the treadmill, which is truly a minor miracle because obviously my day had been more than I could almost bear. But I pulled through and was thankful that my heart rate rose above 45 beats per minute for the first time that day.

The rest of the afternoon is a blur. I seem to remember watching PBS and the second half a movie with Michael Douglas and Gwyneth Paltrow, which was all very stressful and depressing. And I ate a bowl of cereal because it was apparently time for second breakfast.

The second highlight of my day came when I stopped by to visit my nephew, who has been a bit under the weather for the past few weeks. It was apparent that he had more energy than I did, and I longed for the time when we could sit down and watch Nick, Jr. Not long after, I realized that I was not using my words in complete sentences and for a brief second I almost forgot my name, which meant it was time to go home and get some sleep. I had been up for almost 12 WHOLE HOURS.

After checking Facebook one more time, trying to find anything worth while on Hulu and making a pan of brownies, I knew that I must call it a day. There was no possible way I could cram anything more into my schedule. My energy level and brain activity just couldn't handle it.

To round things out, I completed a beginners-level crossword puzzle just to make sure I hadn't lost any brain cells. Thankfully, the neurons were firing enough to finish the puzzle and I crashed into my perfect bed, thus ending the most uneventful, tiring day of my life. One would think I have mono but we all know that is not romantically possible at this point in my life.

So there you have it: another exciting adventure from the life of the Frustrated Cowgirl. Just try to top that one, folks.

Hey, are you still there?

No?

I don't blame you.