The Weight of October

October carries a lot of weight in my world. It is filled to the brim with memories and milestones and days you wish you could relive and others you wish you could forget.

October is like a very large speed bump on the calendar. If you approach it too quickly and do not take your time to get through it, you may come out on the other side battered and bruised, and probably without a  muffler.

October can make you dance like a lunatic. It can also make you sleep for days. It is just that kind of month.

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First, there is the celebration of Claire and Carr. I cannot believe they have almost been married a year! I am pretty sure my little sister should still be in 7th grade, but she is actually quite adult-like and living a blissful married life with the man of her dreams. They are such a beautiful couple. They love each other in ways I have never seen. And after nearly 12 months of wedded-ness, they still hold hands even when sitting on the couch.

I have a feeling they will be like this for the rest of their lives. Some couples are just like that, they need to be near each other always.

It is breathtaking to watch when I am not totally annoyed mesmerized by it.

***

And then there is my Grandpa. I had a dream about him last night. I do not remember the details but I remember he was there and I was at his house and life was simpler. My world was safer. My heart was lighter. I do not understand how some people can have that effect on you. Their mere presence in the world anchors your soul, mind and heart. In a way, they are your home. He was that way for all of us. He equaled home, a love-filled, laughter-brimmed home.

On October 20, it will have been two years since he left this earth for something unbelievably better.

Now he is home.

***

Finally, there is that Monday.

That Monday in the courtroom, surrounded by friends who held our hands and prayed like warriors. That Monday where the judge read the verdict and I sucked in my breath and my brother squeezed the fingers on my left hand. That Monday where my mom and I drove his truck home without him and I could have sworn that God had abandoned us and let the enemy win.

That Monday where my head and heart both screamed but my soul remained silent.

That Monday where God whispered:
"Oh, the plans I have for you, my child.
I have not left you. I have not left them.
I am right here, sitting right next to you, squeezing the fingers on your right hand.
I am working on something that is bigger than you.
Something that will change you for the better.
Something that will draw you closer to me.
Something that screams of my unbelievable love for you.
I am fighting hard for you, my daughter.
I am fighting hard for all of you. 
Trust me in this.
I am trustworthy."

I am just now hearing this. He has been here all along.

We have come a long way since that Monday.

***

Oh, the magnificent weight of October.