You see, I feel completely out of sorts, like I am walking around with my clothes on backwards. Do you ever feel that way? No matter how hard I have tried this summer, nothing has felt quite right.
For starters, the weather is bonkers. Apparently the weather affects me more than I realized, especially since summer is my most favorite season. It is cool and rainy and not at all what I would call normal for August. I don't want Fall to arrive without experiencing some major heat because we all know that winter lasts approximately 17 years in Colorado.
Secondly, my heart, soul and mind cannot quite sync up. One or two of them may be on the same page but it is very rare that all three match up and settle into contentment. This leaves me a bit restless, weary, and dare I say, moody.
Lastly, I am wrestling through the process of letting go of what I thought life would look like at 33 and embracing something new and foreign. But the hard part is that I don't know what the new part looks like. I have never been 33 before yet somehow there is pressure to do it beautifully. What the heck, world?
Oh, and if there were a P.S. to this list, it would be that waiting takes a lot of work. Waiting is not a passive pastime. It takes constant effort to not give into apathy, eat chocolate chips and melt into your couch.
So, now that I have brought you all into a mild state of depression, let me tell you what I have decided to do to help me through this angst-ridden, cranky state: I am taking a vacation all by myself.
Yep, that's right. In the near future, I am hopping on a plane and flying to the ocean where I will lay on the beach and pour out my heart and soul to Someone who knew how to do 33 perfectly. I have no agenda. I am packing light. I am anticipating moments of struggle and discomfort but I am prepared to face them head on, without using Netflix as my way to escape.
I am not expecting to come back a different person. I am just expecting to see things differently.
Recently, I have had several friends who have taken solo trips and they each came back refreshed and encouraged. I see this as a chance for me to be brave. I am very rarely brave, but apparently a plane ticket and some spending money are great motivators to helping me find my courage.
When I was in graduate school, this was the verse that I clung to, knowing that my degree would take me to places far and wide. Today, I am claiming it again.
"If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."