I have done a lot of thinking this summer and some healthy introspection. And those of you who know me, I do not do well with introspection. I would rather get my teeth cleaned at the dentist. I like to make up my mind and move forward. No dilly-dallying. No second opinions. Not even sleeping on it. I just like to fix the problem and move on.
But for some reason God has asked me to stop, to wait, to sit in the mud for a while and get a bigger, better perspective on things. His perspective.
I am not a huge fan of mud. I tend to like ball gowns.
I have done an excellent job at finding something, anything, to occupy my time instead of thinking and self-reflection. For instance, I have become extremely proficient at not working out. Also, I am now a professional at toe-inflicted trauma. And lastly, I have caught up on every TV show that has ever been created. And let me tell you, when you can carry on an intelligent conversation about someone named "Snookie," you know something needs to change.
So, after all the stalling, I have realized that I have a few things to work on. Dang it.
I want to be more passionate. About life, about friends, about family, about God. All of it.
I need to learn to say no. I am so not good at this. I should practice more.
When I am blue, I need to choose NOT to eat brownies. At least not the entire pan.
I want to be more brave and adventurous.
I am so tired of competing with myself, with other girls, with Hollywood, with life. I am officially out of the race.
I would love to be married. And I would love to have a bucket of kids. But I don't need to be rescued. I don't need to be saved from singleness. I just want someone to live my life with...and I am happy to wait as long as possible to find the right person.
It is okay if I don't have it all together. Because truth is, I don't. Not even close. Don't let me fool you. I need you to see past those 12 years of acting classes.
I am finally okay with the fact that I have no plans to hike. Ever.
Those are just a few of the many things that rolled around in my brain this summer. But don't let them scare you. I am still the same girl who breaks her own toe while driving, sings "Faithfully" at weddings and sticks her face in bowls of cookie dough. But thankfully God doesn't allow us to stay stuck for too long. He has a way of hosing off the mud and giving us a new perspective. He's good like that.
LOVE THIS!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your honest introspection, Sarah!! I think you're great!!
ReplyDeleteSarah, dear. I am so glad my daughter shares your name because I can only pray that someday she shares your perspective! You are amazing and you know it! The BEST thing about being married is that I didn't settle, I wasn't rescued and I didn't pretend to be someone I wasn't in the waiting process. I lived life, saw the world, and loved who I was. Those are the very things that attracted Mike to me. I was hard to get - I didn't have to play the game. I used to say the right man would have to be worth giving up singleness for. I'm not perfect, I didn't do singleness well most of the time, but I wouldn't trade a minute of those lonely nights, pans of brownies, and most importantly loving who I was even if it seemed the right man would never come. REALLY!And, as I type and my sweet but busy baby is sleeping, I will say, savor every moment of sleep and relaxation. That bundle of kids will be a blessing beyond compare, but they will wear you out! : ) I love your life. The right man will love it, too. He will love that you don't like working out or hiking, and he will love that you know who you are and don't need to follow the crowd to be happy. He will love your shoes and build you a closet just for them : )
ReplyDeleteGood for you. I think you're on to something that everyone else needs to hear and learn to do as well! I sure do. Thanks for the transparency!
ReplyDeleteYou've motivated me to do some mud sitting too. Great job being so open. I love you so much! Can't wait to see you tonight.
ReplyDeleteRach
Thanks for sharing your reflections on the mud---or the sitting therein. Gor whatever reason, it has made me eyes leak a little.
ReplyDeleteI know I have this time off to do some sitting in the mud . . . and I'm avoiding it, too. Perhaps when the house is clean . . . I love you.